So much has happened in the past week. To start with last Thursday I made it 30 days purge free-all of which were outside of treatment. That was the requirement S had for me to be allowed to see her. That day was interesting. I come home on break from work and my roommate walks in with flowers for me. I can't tell you much that meant to me. My roommates care enough to celebrate something like that with me. Then several hours later they have me come out to the kitchen and they had a cake made for me. I have to laugh at that. It's the thought that counts and it does mean a lot to me but it is kind of ironic that they made me binge food as a way of saying congrats on not binging and purging for 30 days. Still, I really appreciated it. I had two pieces and I enjoyed them. :)
That night I also started group therapy for my ED. There are only 5 of us so its a small group. It was only the first of 12 sessions so all we did really was an ice breaker activity and talk about our expectations of group and what we want to work on. I have a good impression thus far. Before I went I had the 'usual' fears: Will I be the fattest? What if the other people trigger me? However, it seems like all of us were feeling the same thing so I wasn't alone in that. I think its going to be a good thing.
The next day I had an appointment with S! It was such bittersweet appointment. I read her parts of my journal from treatment. We talked a lot about my codependency. She agrees I don't know where I end and where she begins. I miss her sooooooo much. I hate this. She did agree to let me see her every few months. She wants me to call her before I schedule an appointment so that she can assess if I should see her or not. I also signed a release so she can talk with my new therapist as well. This is so hard. I try not to think about it because then it doesn't hurt as much.
Everything else has been so-so. I am still looking for jobs. Nothing has come up yet. And I still hate my current job. Things are getting progressively worse there. I feel like I am burned out with this job. I am just so sick of it. I am trying to just stick it out. Hopefully a new job will come my way ASAP.
Food wise, I have noticed that things go really well and then get worse and then get better again. Today has been a really bad day. I ate to much at breakfast and lunch. I panicked and decided I was going to skip dinner. When dinner time came I was hungry so I decided I was just going to eat a small dinner. Well, instead I screwed up my exchanges. I had two extra proteins, one less carb, and no fruit or veggies. All day I have been fighting the urge to purge. In my mind if I could just purge I would be able to wipe the slate clean and start over with the correct exchanges. Of course I know that is ED talking so I haven't acted on it. Tomorrow will be day 35 purge free. That is the longest I have ever gone without purging since my ED started. I am working towards 90 days. In the moment that the urge is there it is so hard. So far I have succeeded in fighting the urge but things could always change at any minute. I guess thats why they tell you to take it one meal at a time.
Oh yeah, I also got a gym membership. It was really cheap so I had just had to go for it. I am going to be careful about my workouts. I am only going to work out a few times a week and I am going to try and stay away from the treadmill. I have never been an over exerciser but I am and OBSESSIVE exerciser. On the treadmill especially. I count the minutes, calories, miles, and I have to do more every time I get on. Instead of doing that I am going to really work on exercise in moderation. I think the exercising will help with how horrible my body image is right now. I just feel so FAT! I know muscle is smaller than fat so hopefully exercising will help. Anyways, that's all I have for now.
2008-02-05 @ 7:04 p.m.
